10 years ago I was in Jakarta, Indonesia. I had just moved from my school in India, to an international school called JIS. Awkward and feeling somewhat ill-equipped for the situation, I struggled to make friends. In my formative years I felt alone and unwanted. I experienced teasing, and felt ostracized. By the time I was in 8th grade I grew to hate my school. I was angry at this community. Each day, I felt like I woke up, went to school, studied and then came home. I felt like I didn't talk much, and sometimes I would spend a whole day at school without ever having had a real conversation.

By 9th grade I was ready to give up. I didn't know why I was here anymore. Why was I alive? Who was I? I felt like I was sick of changing. I was tired of trying so hard to fit in, and somehow, along the way I had lost who I was. God, if I was gone, would anyone know? Did I matter to anyone? God was breaking. He was tearing me away from every comfort and every security, so that i had to search for something else. After three years and a brief pit stop in England, I found myself in Ann Arbor. I was still angry at the school. I couldn't let go of the pain. I felt traumatized. Like there was something inherently unworthy about me. I felt destined to be alone.

4 Years Ago

4 years ago, I came to Ann Arbor. I wasn't expecting much, and felt like I was just drifting along. Yet God somehow brought me to the door of HMCC and I started coming out to small group. My whole world was slowly turned upside down. It took God three months to take me from a cynic who derided organized religion, into someone who was ready to embrace Christ.

I became ravenous for scripture. God was not only spiritually satisfying, but he was intellectually credible!! He was real. He could be enganged with. He was relational. Communal faith had a profound impact on me. Yet something was missing.

I remember going to my first retreat my freshman year. I have written about it more extensively before. But I remember the moment well. It was as Pastor Seth was sharing the vision he had for our class. I remember suddenly feeling so alone, so separated and isolated. All the pain of the last ten years cam rushing back to me, and I felt like once again I would find myself in silence, ignored. I couldn't take it. The fear gripped me and forced me to my knees. For the first time in my life I begged God. I cried out for him to not let me go. For him to be my shepherd, my father and friend. I begged him for that love that I felt i was always in need of.

Four years ago, at my first retreat, I was on my knees, tears pouring down my face. I was crying, a deep wounded pain on my chest, pleading with God that he would bring me into his love. That day I accepted Christ.

1 Day Ago

The journey since has been pretty crazy. I have been in four small groups, four ministry teams, and have even co-lead this year. I had the privilege of working with the India missions team, and partnering with Christian Business Initiative. I have had so many opportunities to grow and so many mentors in my life. I found a passion for international ministry, and began to understand God's love for people. I have seen international ministry grow, and I am encouraged by the way God continues to raise up his people.

Yesterday, at the retreat. Pastor Seth shared a little about the upcoming international church plant. And the thing he mentioned was that what struck him the most was when he went on a recent trip to Indonesia, he was expecting to find churches that were full of the locals. Yet instead he found himself in a church of expatriates. He found himself in a church of TCKs (Third Culture Kids), people who had traveled the world. People who struggle with identity. People who understand diversity, and what God means when He says "all the nations". And he shared his vision of God using these people to reach the nations they are in.

Could it be? This was the very place I had left. This was the bitter mote of all my pain. It was the scar that had never fully healed, and God was showing me how he intended to use it for his glory. Here was the very pain I felt, still deep and fresh, suddenly exposed to the light, and I saw that God had brought me around the world, to gain a whole new perspective. I had forgiven the people in Jakarta, but i had failed to love them. I had healed from the pain I felt, but I had failed to unwrap my bandages. And God, in that moment impressed upon my heart. He had pulled me out of that place. He had dragged me through the pain, the hurt and rejection, so that one day I could testify that as he was my hope, that there was hope for everyone of those students.

Out of the blue, God dropped into my lap something I had left ten years ago. I had never dreamed I would ever think of it again, and I had pushed it to a bitter recess of my past. Yet God pulled it out, and showed me the very plan he had in store for me.

1 Hour Ago

You would think the story would end there but not quite. One hour ago I stood at the Global Access retreat, listening to testimony after testimony of God's Faithfulness. And then some of the brothers started coming up and sharing. They shared about their time here, and their emotions now that they were leaving.

It struck me then.. They were leaving. I was leaving. I WAS LEAVING!! This was it. This was my LAST retreat. This was four years coming to a close. This was God's faithfulness. I was standing in the front, and as I turned to look at all the people worship, something in me broke.

Once again, I was on my knees, tears pouring down my face. Yet I was laughing in my heart. 4 years ago I had cried out to God, pouring out my lonely heart to Him. And today he showed me the full depth of love he had for me, as I looked on the faces of every brother and sister he had provided for me. He should me the community I had longed for all these years, and every blessing he had given me in my time here.

1 hour ago, at my last retreat, just like my first retreat, I could not speak, I could not stand. Yet, as I was on my knees, memories falling like tear drops, I felt so complete inside, because God...
as always..